The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
About a month ago, I moved into F&M. A few days in, following endless hours of being hauled to countless sessions warning us about every possible danger we may encounter here, we arrived at Stager Hall, where a group of individuals enlightened us about F&M’s primary resource for any student requiring mental or physical assistance: the Wellness Center. Only a brief ten-minute walk from most dorms, the Wellness Center promises students a confidential environment where they can receive the healthcare they need, regardless of the scope of their crisis. That is, as long as that crisis occurs within the tidy hours of 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Oh, and only Monday through Friday.
While the Wellness Center’s limited hours may appear surprising at first, upon further examination, they are actually quite reasonable. After all, the academic day does not begin until 8:00 at the earliest, meaning there is only a brief 30-minute interval in the morning where a health problem cannot arise. And who would ever require medical care after 4:30, when most classes have finished for the day, and students should be in their dorms studying?
For instance, imagine you’re sitting in your dorm room after a long day of classes, hunkering down to begin the mountain of work awaiting you, when all of a sudden, you violently tumble off your chair, landing painfully with your wrist bent at an awkward angle. Naturally, you immediately rush to the Wellness Center, but just as you place your non-injured hand on the door handle, you watch in horror as the lights within begin to flicker before shutting off altogether. Glancing down at your watch, the time reads 4:30. As you frantically stumble to find an alternate plan for obtaining care, an image of your monstrous amount of homework suddenly flashes through your mind. With a newfound sense of mental clarity, you realize that you, in fact, do not have time for a fractured wrist and that this unexpected closing of the health center will save your upcoming exam grades from disaster. Fully enlightened and full of motivation, you return to your dorm and study through the pain.
When it comes down to it, the Wellness Center is actually serving all of us a favor by refraining from providing care at certain times, as this closure redirects our minds to what they should be prioritizing at all times: academics. As for the weekend, surely, if we can take a break from attending classes, we can also take a break from our ailments. We’re in college now, and effectively planning out not only your homework but also your health will heighten academic success. Besides, viruses and anxiety can be draining. Taking a vacation from them over the weekends can actually provide a lot of relief.
Even if your ability to plan ahead is lacking, in my personal experience, health issues have a tendency to magically fade the moment the clock strikes 4:30. And once the weekend arrives? They fully dissipate. For instance, I unfortunately came down with a cold my second week here, but by the time I realized I may have contracted Covid, it was already late Friday afternoon. I was in luck! Not only was the Wellness Center closed for the day, barring me from accessing a Covid test, but it would be closed for the entire weekend! From this, I could safely conclude that since the Wellness Center was not in operation, it was not possible that I actually had Covid then. With great relief, I proceeded to enjoy my weekend, content with the knowledge that I was safe from the clutches of the virus until 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. And just like that, the Wellness Center has generously provided me with another reason to eagerly anticipate the weekends.
Freshman Lena Smith is a Contributing Writer. Her email is lsmith4@fandm.edu.