The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
On January 19th, 2025, something tragic happened. A winter storm has arrived in Lancaster, PA, giving us about 3-5 inches of snow and trapping us all inside without any room to leave unless you want to be faced with the harsh windchill and slippery slopes of the outside world.
Tragedies like these are exactly why we, as a country, and dare I say as a world, need global warming.
I mean think about it, with this much snow on the ground, I can’t even participate in year-round sunbathing, something that everybody should care about. Nobody is going to care about getting golden brown skin when the UV Index is constantly at 1. Who cares about cozy nights, skin cancer doesn’t even have a chance to reveal itself! In addition to the roads being dangerous and possibly closed, I can’t even get a $40 Doordash meal with this weather, which I obviously should be doing every day for the sake of my bank account. Skin cancer and overly priced Doordash meals should be goals that everybody strives for, not only within their personal lives but also the broader implications of the environment.
We all know about the classic example when it comes to global warming, the ice caps melting. Strangely, I’ve always seen this framed as a bad thing when the animals living around these ice caps, seals, whales, and especially polar bears, absolutely, definitely, need a tan. I mean seriously, look at polar bears, they’re adorable, but they’re way too white; it’s actually concerning. Same with penguins, they still have some white on them, just to name a few. With global warming, animals can finally be exposed to a hot girl summer and have the pleasure of enjoying popsicles and ice cream like the rest of us. It might be a rocky start, you know, considering their entire natural habitat is changing due to the weather. However, natural selection is a thing, and hot girl summer rocks, so these reasons overpower the other—case in point.
So yeah, for the sake of humans and animals, we need global warming to continue. No more snow days and hot cocoa, it’s time for all of us to slowly melt and completely change the structure of multiple environments as we know it. The good news is that we’re already on our way, since temperatures on average have been rising for years on end. Additionally, the American government is on our side as well and not listening to those crazy scientists that are freaking out about this. I mean, c’mon, we’re all still alive, so what’s the issue?
Also, we all love a hot girl summer. Join me in the fight to have hot girl summers, but all year round.
Junior Gab Neal is the Managing Editor. Her email is gneal@fandm.edu.