The Onion Dip: Missing Persons Report
By Anonymous Here ye, here ye, the Campus Cryer has an important announcement. The biggest scandal since 1564 is upon us… William Shakespeare is missing. Height: 6 foot Weight: Paper…
Who Needs the Music Program Anyways?
By Fiorella Comparini Donoso || Contributing Writer Due to the global pandemic, F&M has been scrounging for pennies recently. I knew things were going downhill when the upperclassmen told me…
Welcome to Water World
By Tess Fiumefreddo || Satirical Columnist Picture this: a hot, sunny day at Franklin & Marshall College. Birds are chirping, kids are laughing, and parents are sobbing over their children…
The Onion Dip: Student decides that his “Myrtle bod” has to wait until next year
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Zach Jones, a sophomore BOS major and member of Greek life, was forced to forgo his quest for a “Myrtle bod” primarily because he…
In light of academic studies, financial benefits, llamas will soon replace public safety officers
By Kyle Huntzberry & David Martin || Satirical Columnists LANCASTER — Franklin & Marshall College, who is at the forefront of the need-based aid trend, caused a stir in the academic world…
The Onion Dip: Psychology major well aware that blacking out is a sign of depression
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER — Local F&M student and Psychology major Jeremy Park is well-aware that his alcoholic tendencies and overwhelming likelihood to black-out when he drinks is most…
The Onion Dip: Trump press conference gives shy student confidence to participate in class
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist Rick Whittaker, a junior at Franklin & Marshall College, is a ”shy, timid” kid who has been repeatedly approached by his professors about participating…
Student reconsiders future after college president posts on Facebook wall for birthday
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER—Franklin and Marshall College student Will Bradley was reportedly thrilled when College President Dan Porterfield posted on his Facebook wall last Tuesday for his…
The Onion Dip: Lack of snow this season frustrates local global warming denier
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Herbie Henderson, a local Trump supporter and climate change skeptic, has been extremely disappointed with the lack of snowfall in Lancaster this…
The Onion Dip: Franklin & Marshall student really regrets jokingly voting for Trump
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Crying profusely on the way to his first class on Wednesday morning, the guilt of jokingly voting for President-elect Donald Trump finally…
Student steals totally “dope” road sign for his dorm room
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA — Sources report that Franklin and Marshall College Junior Brendan Brandonburger stole the “dopest” sign in hopes of adding it to his…
Trump supporter feels silenced at F&M’s recent Day of Dialogue
By Kyle Huntzberry || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA— Matt Jones, a local Franklin & Marshall student, felt uncomfortable expressing his views at the campus’ recent Day of Dialogue. According to…
Donald Trump’s vocabulary, word choice wins over Bigley
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER, PA — “I never imagined I’d run for office,” Bigley chuckled, “That all changed, though, on the evening of September 26, 2016 during…
The Onion Dip: Nearing end of second term, President Obama having trouble delegating authority
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist WASHINGTON— While gardening is being commercialized alone, like growing monterey oak trees for sale, the POTUS takes it personally. Sources close to President Obama…
The Onion Dip: Local student takes matters into own hands
By David Martin || Satirical Columnist LANCASTER—“I pay sixty-f—ing-grand to go here” stated local Franklin and Marshall College student Ryan Fischer, as he justified to his friends why he had…