The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
It’s election season, and it seems like all anyone can talk about is who they’re voting for. However, I have been perplexed to find that in all my recent election-related conversations, no one has mentioned Biden. Even more peculiar, whenever I inform people I’ve already cast my vote for Biden via absentee ballot, they always give me this strange look. So it’s got me wondering–am I the only one still voting for Biden?
For the past four years, every Democrat I know has verified that they plan to reelect Biden for a second term in 2024. On July 21st this past summer, however, a mysterious change overtook the world, and suddenly, no one planned to vote for him anymore! In the months since this fateful day, countless politicians and celebrities have randomly endorsed Biden’s vice president, Kamala Harris. I know that Biden has not always presented himself as completely cognizant in interviews and speeches, but I simply cannot fathom why so many have completely dismissed him.
Donald Trump appears to have gone right along with this unexpected scheme, as he participated in a debate with Harris rather than Biden. Since when do we vote for the running mates of primary candidates? None of the Republicans I know plan to vote for J.D. Vance, so why have Democrats been announcing their support for Kamala Harris?
Despite being utterly mystified by this entire situation, I am proud to say that I have not once wavered in my support for Biden, although his decision to curb all political campaigning was initially puzzling. Amidst the astounding upsurge of support for Harris, one would assume that Biden would have doubled his efforts to secure a victory. Yet he has mysteriously blended into the background of politics. In fact, he has not held a single rally or delivered a single campaign speech since July, actions unheard of in any election season, let alone such an uncertain and divisive one. After extensive research and pondering, however, I think I finally cracked the code.
Although Biden’s recent lack of engagement with the American people may appear to place him in a precarious position, I believe it is simply one of the many counterintuitive components of his calculated approach. As a result of the terrifying increase in support for Harris, Biden had to devise a scheme with unprecedented brilliance to secure a victory in this election.
Amongst candidates who almost exclusively either discuss themselves or disparage their opponents, a candidate who keeps to themselves and silently rises in the ranks will likely prove effective, and Biden and his team realized this. By avoiding drawing excessive attention to his campaign, Biden is emulating the epitome of humility, a quality that many Americans greatly admire. In fact, Biden has been so successful in maintaining a low profile that news outlets do not even represent him in the polls, instead showing Harris as the Democratic candidate. Disappearing from the media is a rather clever move, as Republicans will become so absorbed in defeating Harris that they will fail to pick up on the fact that Biden’s ratings are skyrocketing. Furthermore, the fact that even historically conservative news outlets such as Fox News depict Harris instead of Biden in the polls indicates that many Republican voters will also likely cast their votes for Biden. The tides are turning!
All this fabrication leads me to wonder if my Democratic friends, family, and acquaintances are also cued into Biden’s master plan for reelection. Perhaps they know that he is attempting to keep a low profile. Thus, when I inform them I voted for Biden, they line their faces with judgmental expressions to deceive me into thinking that he is not actually ahead in this election. Either way, I am proud to announce that I voted for Biden!
Freshman Lena Smith is a Contributing Writer. Her email is lsmith4@fandm.edu.