The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Last semester, The College Reporter published an investigative video by Berkley Frost exploring the lives of several long-lost campus celebrities. The video can be viewed on TCR’s Instagram, @thecollegereporter, which chronicles Elaine, Josephine, and Lawrence’s hijinks and shenanigans since . . . departing Franklin and Marshall’s College.
Well, some call it departing. Others cheerfully declare that these Kiwibots, who acted as a mini UberEats on campus, graduated either by walking across the stage laden with cords from various honor societies or, in Lawrence’s case, being escorted by several men in strange suits. Despite their impromptu disappearance, these three have gone above and beyond, succeeding in their post-undergraduate lives. Something that F&M students staring down the hard, cold, quickly impending void of graduation can similarly aspire to achieve.
For example, after moving to the Midwest and starting a family with her wife, Elaine sought further personal enrichment by joining a local hockey team. This pastime quickly developed into a professional passion, and she now serves as a right defenseman for the National Hockey League. Attempts were made to interview Elaine, but as she’s lost all of her teeth to flying pucks, communication was difficult. From what was pieced out over the phone interview, Elaine is considering additional endeavors past hockey. If the transcript were even somewhat accurate, Elaine would be opening a cannabis distillery that doubles as a goat yoga studio. Interested students may apply for part-time positions but must be trained in advanced astrophysics to work with the goats.
Similarly, Josephine has furthered her interest in legal studies and now serves as a tenured professor at Harvard. Although Josephine was similarly reclusive, throwing Molotov cocktails at our fearless reporters when they approached her on the quad, several hours of intensive snooping through the archives revealed that she now teaches Astronomy.
Or Astrology. The typeprint was small and smudged.
Sources indicate that Lawrence was last seen leaving a Waffle House in Toledo on February 22nd. He was running away with a spatula and accompanied by a tired line cook. Lawrence, if you’re reading this, please don’t be afraid. Keep running, lil’ Kiwibot.
There were other Kiwibots too, though their names are now lost to the winds of time. However, given the torrent of rainfall and generally disastrous weather, the winds have been lambasting Franklin and Marshall College these past few weeks. These winds have blown some information about an unknown Kiwibot, who is believed to be currently pursuing a career on Broadway. If any F&M students are attending a performance soon, please use TCR’s tipline to report back if an angry little robot rolls across the stage.
Wherever Josephine, Elaine, and Lawrence will go now, it is unquestionable that F&M misses these local legends. As one tearful student recalled, after several minutes of prompting, “Oh, yeah, those weird robot things. I think I remember them.” Yes, these Kiwibots might have been barely subpar at their jobs. Yes, they often abruptly paused in the middle of Hartman Green to salaciously flirt with students trying to make their 8:00 AM. And yes, one Kiwibot was tossed upside down into the Protest Tree bench. But, for better or worse, the Kiwibots were a memorable part of F&M.
Sophomore Teagan Durkin is the Opinions Editor. Her email is tdurkin@fandm.edu.