Image Courtesy of Creative Commons
The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
Looking for a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift for that unspecial someone? Don’t worry, we got you covered. Here is a short list to help you figure out just how special you are.
- A Dictionary/Thesaurus
Come on now, use your words! This is a great opportunity to help him expand his vocabulary. Especially if you’ve noticed he’s been limiting himself to the simple phrases of “wyd” and struggling to spell “tonight.” Be wary! It appears most modern editions lack the words “date” and “relationship.”
- An 8 Ball
If he can’t make up his mind, something will!
- A Blank Roster
We figured she might be having some trouble keeping track of all her obligations, so this gift is a great way to find out exactly where you two stand.
- Glasses
Certainly, no child was left behind, President Bush! Ensure his issues are with his eyes and not his critical reading skills. I’m sure that’s why he only notices the last sentence and not the whole message.
- An ESPN+ Subscription
Just in case you wanted even less attention than you already get. This gift is a great reminder that he doesn’t have a problem committing time and energy to everything in his life.
- A Copy of The Kama Sutra
Maybe after a light skim, he’ll have better luck finding it next time. Not all treasure needs to stay buried.
- A Label Maker
This is a great stepping stone. If she starts to get comfortable with labels on her folders, she might finally be comfortable with one on you too.
- Therapy
We figured you’re sick and tired of being his mother figure. Get him the real help he needs today.
- Shampoo and Conditioner
Now I know he’s proven he’s all about efficiency, but at some point, it’s time to retire the 5-in-1. Let’s separate the toiletries and motor oil.
- Knee Pads
Now we figured you should treat yourself this holiday since he definitely won’t. Might as well make sure your knees are nice and cushioned since you spend so much time begging for his attention anyways!
Sophomore Lily Andrey is the Editor-in-chief. Her email is landrey@fandm.edu.
Junior Hayley Gerstein is a Contributing Writer. Her email is hgerstei@fandm.edu.