The Onion Dip Column is the satire section. All articles are not to be taken seriously.
At almost midnight on several early November nights, it was silent at Franklin and Marshall College, with only the rustle of a squirrel wrestling with a chicken nugget to punctuate the tense silence. Illuminated by the artificial glow of lamps, the campus is desolate and deprived of the usual students stumbling back to their dorms after going hard all night . . . studying. Only the sharp click of a reset button, pressed tentatively by the fearful and nearly mashed into the keyboard by the bold/, offers a sign of life.
The reason for this silent landscape? The purpose behind the heavy smog of anxiety hanging over every student? The perpetrator of dark eyebags, shaky hands, and the manic muttering of seemingly nonsensical number combinations?
Course registration.
Splitting into different tribes, divided by major, teams, or level of desperation, the students wander hopelessly across campus, searching for the best WiFi signal. Some swear that Harris offers sanctuary, while others flee to the heights of Stager. A few retreat into their respective dorms.
When trying to make contact with a student in the midst of course registration, be mindful of their grade year. A senior is identifiable by their distinct lack of stress and occasional air of gloating. Those who have taken ill with senioritis may be surprised when you even mention to them that registration is currently happening. A junior, although a few with less populated majors may be mistaken for a senior, will have a stress wrinkle or two. However, having priority over half of the school’s student population is an excellent balm to any registration rage. Sophomores and first-years, the proverbial underdogs when fighting for courses, are, unless they’ve been spamming/begging their professors, simply screwed.
Best of luck to all! And to those studying abroad next semester, you better fake register for courses or absolutely make sure your VISAs get approved.
Junior Teagan Durkin is the Opinions Editor. Her email is tdurkin@fandm.edu.